I’m sitting at my desk, looking out the window at a full-blown, Minnesota blizzard. Putting that out of mind, because if I dwell on it, I’ll fall into grave depression, especially considering the fact that three weeks ago I was sitting on a perfect beach under a hot sun in St. Lucia. Our trip was great. Just what we needed. It was adventurous, to the point of some dangerous, insane moments on back “roads” (not recommended–or rather, strictly forbidden–for tourists). Yet it also full of relaxation. Time-free days. A complete step away from reality. A pause from opposite schedules, stress, and this endless winter. Now we are home, and again immersed in routine.

There are many things I’ve been thinking, and wanting to write about. But as I sit here, my mind feels blank. I’m in the midst of transition, caught in betwixt and between design work for B*SPOKE and strategy work for my church, knowing the direction I’m heading in, but unable really to move closer to the one while the other still has a hold on me. There are other things in my life, too, that feel suspended. Frozen in time and place. Stuck. I am craving a clear direction from the Lord, but he seems silent.

As I was flying home from our trip, I was listening to a song, and a lyric caught my attention… “you were made for abandoned wholeheartedness”. It awakened something in me, a strong, intense desire to be utterly abandoned in all I do. Both feet in, holding nothing back. I want this abandonment in my relationship with Christ, in my marriage, in my work. I don’t want to dabble anymore. I want to know my purpose and calling and lose myself in it. The very idea of abandonment involves LEAVING everything for something greater. What does it look like to be abandoned to the Lord? What does it look like to be wholehearted in marriage? In work? In friendships? I think it involves a death of self. It involves losing your own desires, and coming alive to a greater cause or calling or purpose or person. How do I get there? How do I lose myself, knowing that I will actually find myself on the other side if I’m losing myself to the one who made me, knows me, has my days written in a book? These are the questions I’ve been pondering, the things that have been aching within me.

I’ve been reading a steady stream of C. S. Lewis lately, and his commentary on heaven and eternity has also awakened something in me. This longing for home that is almost palpable, and this strong sense that home is not here, and never will be HERE. Have I mentioned the other tattoo I got? I don’t recall now. It’s on my arm, just above the dots, and it says “not yet home”. This is a theme for me, the idea that we are just passing through this earth. Our stay is momentary, and then we will be home. TRULY home.

Separately and on an unrelated note, I made a list today of the things I’m looking forward to this summer. I could almost taste it as I penned the list in the back of a notebook. Some things to dream of on this very snowy day… kayaking, biking, baseball games, barbecues, bare feet, boating, sunrise, mom’s garden, flowers in the window-boxes, waking up early, fresh foods, farmer’s market, Saturday brunches, lake cabin, camp, concerts, jean shorts, swimsuits and wet hair, warm sun on tan skin.

Here’s what’s been on my mind and what’s been happening ’round here lately:

1) I am listening to the “80s love songs” station on pandora right now. I swear I was born in the wrong decade. Love 80s power ballads, baby!! They make me wanna get in my car, roll all the windows down and sing at the very top of my lungs. “I CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANY LONGER!!!”

2) Thinking about going somewhere warm. Do you have any recommendations? The only requirements are hot sun, cool surf and a white sand beach. All I want to do is sit in the sun, drink a pina colada and read a bunch of books.

3) You absolutely MUST check out this site. It is the project of one of my clients. I know, lucky, lucky me. She is amazing, and has been a total JOY to work with!

4) One of my college buddies is now a fitness coach, and I’ve been working with her to restructure my fitness plan and get some accountability with my eating habits. I have always worked out consistently and have gone pretty hard at it, and I’ve always been pretty conscious of what I eat. BUT, I have to say, having someone checking in, and seeing my weekly reports has kept me SO MUCH more motivated and on track. My goal isn’t really to lose a certain amount of weight, just to develop some healthier patterns that result in becoming “wicket fit”.

5) I have been reading through Jeremiah in the Bible. And I have to say, I really love the Old Testament prophets. Today I was struck by these verses…

For thus says the LORD: Your hurt is incurable, and your wound is grievous. There is none to uphold your cause, no medicine for your wound, no healing for you. All your lover have forgotten you; they care nothing for you; for I have dealt you the blow of an enemy, the punishment of a merciless foe, because your guilt is great, because your sins are flagrant. Why do you cry out over your hurt? Your pain is incurable. Because your guilt is great, because your sins are flagrant, I have done these things to you. Therefore all who devour you shall be devoured, all your foes, every one of them, shall go into captivity; those who plunder you shall be plundered, and all who prey on you I will make a prey. For I will restore health to you, and your wounds I will heal, declares the LORD… – JEREMIAH 30:12-17a

What I love here, absolutely love, is that although our guilt is great and ours sins are flagrant, and although we deserve every bit of punishment the Lord could possibly give us, he is merciful. Just look at his tenderness. He says there is no medicine for our wound, no healing for us. And yet, at the end, he promises to restore health to us, and to heal our wounds. He is our only remedy, and he loves us enough to turn away his wrath and just punishment for our sins, giving us the ultimate medicine for our wound in the form of his perfect son dying in our place on the cross. It is utterly magnificent and our only hope.

6) Switching gears a bit… If you’re local and have any interest in the foodie scene, I have some INSANE recommendations for you. I’ve been hitting up some great restaurants and my taste buds are very happy. Here is a short list of recent faves. I’m going to try to write a post with a short review of each other these:

• Haute Dish
• Union
• Spoonriver
• Patisserie 46
• Bar La Grassa
• 112 Eatery
• Trevail

7) More house projects are happening. It seems like we get motivated for these things in the spring. Even if it’s only once a year that something happens around here, I’ll take the progress. We are currently working on our upstairs hall. Painting trim and walls and hopefully ripping carpet out and hanging frames eventually. Fun, but not.

8) Chocolate. I’m still eating fancy dark chocolates, but I’ve been very bad about keeping track of them. I MUST have made my way through close to 200 varieties though. Who’s counting, really? If you have favorites, I always love gifts of chocolate.

9) I think there was something else I was going to talk about, but I don’t remember what it was. So this is all for now, dears. More soon! Restaurant reviews next week, I think.

This is a brief follow-up on my last post, because the topic is still heavy on my mind. It seems that when the Lord wants to hammer home a point, he HAMMERS HOME A POINT with such emphasis that one can hardly deny its truth. For me, lately, it’s been this whole idea of living fully in the present. That is, living for today and not yesterday or tomorrow.

A few days ago, I was reading in Exodus. I’ve been spending a lot of time in the Old Testament lately, and it’s been remarkable. I’m a lover of stories, and immersing myself in these epic biblical narratives has brought a new dimension to my understanding of God’s faithfulness and grace. On this particular day, I was reading the story of how the Lord brought manna to the Israelites while they were grumbling in the dessert. He literally rained bread from heaven, and then instructed them to “Gather of it, each one of you, as much as he can eat.” There was one caveat, however. According to Moses, they should only take what they could eat, no more.

Think about this for a second. You’re in the dessert, starving, literally. And then God rains bread from heaven, until it covers the landscape. You eat until you are full, and still, there is sweet, flaky, honey-wafers littering the camp. Now, if you’re anything like me, your first thought would be, “Better stockpile this stuff!!!”. After all, who knows if or when these scattered showers of bread will come again. Who knows if you can really trust the word of the Lord to provide more, or if you’ll be starving again in a day or two. Hunger pangs suck! And planning for tomorrow seems like the RIGHT and RESPONSIBLE thing. Surely it wouldn’t be that bad to take a little extra…

Listen to what happens when those boy-scout types (ever prepared!) do just that: “But they did not listen to Moses. Some left part of it till the morning, and it bred worms and stank.” So much for that plan.

Okay. So, what’s the lesson in this?

For me, it was a very clear picture of learning to TRUST the provision of the Father for each day. He sent the manna and said, “Only enough for today, don’t worry about tomorrow!”. It is a clear call to live in the present, trusting the faithfulness of the Lord for tomorrow’s concerns.

Separately and on a bit unrelated note, a reader shared a link to this clip, and I was blown away. This is about living in the present, too, but it has a very convicting, relevant-to-our-culture ring to it. YES, is all I have to say.

All for now. More soon!