The past two weeks have been an intoxicatingly beautiful mix of warm days, brilliant fall colors, and taken opportunities to soak it all in. From sunrise paddles, to afternoon drives on country roads that leave a trail of fluttering and swirling leaves, I’ve been swept up again by the magic of this season.

This weekend, I soaked in the beauty of fall from the comfort of my kayak. It was an unseasonably warm day, and I took advantage of it by paddling across a small lake and up a winding creek. I drifted along for awhile, feet kicked up, staring at the sky, reminiscing about the days behind and dreaming about the ones ahead. So much promise, even in the midst of chaos and busyness and trials and sometimes pain. Autumn always brings change, and in that, there is a bittersweet flavor. There is the beauty of the moment, but also the reminder of the cold winter ahead. Yet, even in winter, there is the hope of spring. I love the seasons for this reason. Each unique, each a reminder of God’s grace in some way.

No matter how dark the night, the morning light always comes. The promise of a new day holds true.

As I watched the sun rise this morning, I felt an unreasonable flicker of doubt that it would actually make an appearance. The sky seemed so dark. Slowly, however, a rosy glow crept into the eastern sky. A sense of hope settled in my soul. Not just because the sun would rise again today, but because the faithfulness of the God I serve is like the rising sun. The sun rising and setting is as permanent and reliable as His grace. There is not one thing I can do to alter the path of the sun. In the same way, there is not one thing I can do to change the love of the Son. It is fixed. Set in motion on a path I cannot shift, modify, or break. In this truth, I find rest and hope for today. I hope you do, too.

A thought has been bouncing around the walls of my brain lately. It is as follows:

Sometimes I say what doesn’t need to be said.

but on the other hand

Sometimes I do not say what needs to be said.

Honesty is my anthem. I value authenticity and blunt truth more than almost anything else. Fake, fluff or faux make me want to vomit.

I’ve always tried to be very real with you guys here on the blog. I don’t ever write to please. I don’t write to appeal or gain readership. I write about what is really going on, what I’m thinking about, working on, longing for, craving, loving, doing. Sometimes the deeper, more important stuff of life is glossed over, I know. And sometimes I emphasize too much of the stuff that doesn’t matter. Thus the pondering.

My pondering initially was related to blog content, however, I think it carries over to other areas of life. Like relationships. How often does a conversation end without any real connection? How often is personal depth replaced with pointless detail? And on the flip side, how often is a word spoken that would be better left unsaid? Answers to these questions, I do not have. I only know that finding and choosing the right words is a pursuit worth my time. Finding the right mix of honesty, authenticity and genuine care for the person on the receiving of my communication is something I want to keep pondering and pursuing. Join me?

I really enjoy personality tests. I know not everyone does, but for me, they appeal to my need to categorize, define and organize. I like fitting people into a tidy little box, so to speak. This tendency drives my husband crazy, and he will always roll his eyes when I refer to the Gary Smalley types, Strengths Finder, Birth Order Connection, Love Languages, or whatever other categorization system I’ve most recently discovered. Okay, I do recognize that these tests can be narrow and not account for all factors, but I still love taking them and find them incredibly insightful!

Yesterday afternoon, in fact, found me sprawled across the patio with two of my besties, answering question after question for yet another personality test. It was interesting to see how different I am from my best friend of 8+ years. If she was a 1, I was a 2, and vice versa. Yes, there was some overlap, but it was minimal. Opposites attract, right?!

As the questions progressed (The test took 2+ hours–a minor miracle that I was able to pay attention to one thing for that length of time!), there was some discussion about how these tests don’t account for who we are becoming in Christ. They are great for showing us who we are on our own and how we are wired, but they don’t factor in the change that occurs when our Savior enters the picture. I am naturally a take-charge person. I like goals. I am an achiever. I have little patience for emotions, and I tend to keep my circle of friends small. Yet, only by the grace of God, and His presence in my life, I have seen a softening occur over the past couple years. I am a little more patient, a little calmer, and my circle of friends is expanding. This change came by no initiative of my own. Real change can only occur when an outside force is in play. I can only stand back and thank Him. My relationship with Christ has brought a balance to my life that was otherwise missing and could never have been achieved on my own. And, lest you think I have arrived… Not that I have already obtained it or have already become perfect, but I press on so that I may lay hold of that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus. Phillippians 3:12

In case you’re curious, below is a mash-up of some of my personality test results!

BIRTH ORDER — ONLY
(I have a brother, but he’s much older so I take on the personality of an only)

GARY SMALLEY — LION

LOVE LANGUAGES — ACTS OF SERVICE

ENNEAGRAM — CHALLENGER / BEAR

STRENGTHS FINDER — STRATEGIC, FOCUS, DISCIPLINE, COMMAND, ACHIEVER

I’ve never taken the infamous Myers Briggs, but that one is next on the list. Alright, now your turn. Do you love or hate personality tests? What are you types? Dish!

Last night I had dinner with a good friend. Between bites of margherita pizza, we doted on her baby boy and talked about life. Our conversation covered a range of topics–from motherhood to career, and thoughts on food, money and faith. This friend and I have been in a small group together with our husbands and a few other couples for almost five years now. The group is currently studying Francis Chan’s Crazy Love, a book that has spurred on many challenging and thought-provoking discussions over the past couple months. We’ve wrestled with deciphering what a gospel-centered, passionate love for God looks like in our day and age, and we’ve wondered how we can live Biblically and counter-culturally for Him.

One of the (many) underlying topics that is woven throughout the book is giving. What does it looks like to give of our time and resources, knowing that all we have is already from God? Chan cites several examples of believers who gave away everything and went to the mission field, or who regularly spend their resources on furthering the work of the Lord here at home. These stories are of real people, and they have challenged me, to the core. Each time the truth of the Gospel is revealed anew to me, I realize the depth of my waywardness, and above all, my selfishness. So often I am thinking of and living for me and only me. I don’t do radical things for God, and I don’t live as if He is the source of all I could ever need or want in this life. My gaze is often horizontal instead of vertical, and it makes me realize how desperately sinful I am when my heart longs for the trifles of this world and yet spurns my holy Savior.

A couple months back, our pastor preached a sermon titled “The Absurdity of Power“. One line in particular has stuck with me and come to mind over and over again. He said, “At every turn you’re engaged in some kind of kingdom-building activity. The question is: whose kingdom? Is it the kingdom of God or the kingdom of self?” Later in the same sermon, my pastor went on to say,

…because kingdom-building doesn’t take place in a singular and sweeping, momentous act, but in a series of simple and mundane acts, your own battle between the kingdom of God and the kingdom of self in your heart can go undetected. No one says, “I’m bent on building my own kingdom – and I will destroy anyone who gets in my way!” No one says that – not explicitly. Instead, by a thousand tiny thoughts and behaviors and decisions we live that way.

Wow, right? That is what I would call a spot on diagnosis of the infection that is thriving in heart and mind. This question really gets to the base of the matter. I know that 98% of the time I am living to build my kingdom. On a daily basis, I am more concerned about my health, fitness, future goals, home, career, vacations, agenda, and to-do list than I am about anything else. God’s command to love Him above all, and love our neighbors as ourselves rarely penetrates the heavy cloud of “ME” that shrouds my thoughts and actions. I am living to build the kingdom of Bethany, and it’s not happening in any momentous act, but instead in the decisions I make and conversations I have on a daily basis.

So what does it looks like to be wholly consumed with kingdom-building for God? I think the right place to start is with the recognition that everything comes from Him. Reminding yourself daily of the gospel of Jesus Christ, and the fact that he willingly gave his life for us will change everything. Each breath that we take, our very being and existence is from the hand of God. The knowledge of this truth will be a magnifier for the reality that we are small and powerless, and that building our own kingdoms is a meaningless and sinful pursuit. What’s more, as we continue to look to Him, we will realize that everything we need is found in God, and so giving ourselves and our stuff away with reckless abandon won’t seem so odd or painful. The meaninglessness of our vain pursuits and our own kingdom-building will be magnified when we realize the greatness of our Savior’s love and the sacrifice he made to purchase our eternal salvation.